Flight Safety....

[griffin]

Den här tycker jag var lite smårolig, oavsett om det faktiskt är sant eller inte. Men varför inte? Även flygkaptener och -värdinnor måste ju tappa tålamodet alternativt ha lite humor nån gång i jobbbet!

mvh Griffin

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Some airline attendants try to make the in-flight safety lecture and their
other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out
of this airplane."

Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to
switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as
you wish,
but please stay inside the plane till we land, it's a bit cold outside, and
if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delia Business Express. We hope
you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed
taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone
voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella
WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight
attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take
care when
opening the over-head compartments because, after a landing like that, sure
as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to
YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab in
to the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt, and if you
don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't
be out in public
unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks
will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the
mask,
and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you,
secure your mask before assisting with theirs.  If you
are travelling with
two small children, decide now which one you love more."

"Should the cabin air lose pressure then oxygen masks will be provided with
our compliments. they will drop down from the overhead
units.
Place the mask over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or
adults acting like children."

"Weather at our destination is 50 degree's with some broken clouds, but
they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you,
and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the
flight attendants
 Please do not leave children or spouses."

Stewardess: "Last passenger off the plane has to clean it".
"Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some
of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt lake
City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,
"That was quite a bump
and I know what ya'll are thinking I'm here to tell you it wasn't the
airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the
flight attendants' fault... it was the asphalt!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask
you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces
us to the terminal."

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats
until Captain Crash and
the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate.
And, once the tyre smoke has cleared and the warning
bells are silenced, we'll
open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the
terminal."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you
folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you
get the insane urge to
go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal tube, we hope you'll
think of us here at US Airways"

Stewardess: 'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In an emergency
water landing, please take them with our compliments.'

Pilot: "Welcome aboard flight 163 to New York, we shall be flying at... Oh
my god!... Oh no!.......... sorry about that folks, I've
just spilt my coffee, you should
see the front of my trousers." Passenger: "You should see the back of mine
....!!"

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy
which required the first officer
to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a,
"Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of
his bad landing, he had a hard
time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a
smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except
for this little old lady
walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?"

"As we prepare for take-off, please ensure that your tables and seatbacks
are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."

"This aircraft has the latest video surveillance system that monitors the
cabin during taxiing.Any passengers not remaining in their
seats until the aircraft
comes to a complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave
the aircraft."

We do have a smoking section on this flight. If you believe that you have
the right to smoke then please contact a crew member and
they will escort you
to the wing of the aeroplane."

Stewardess. "I'm sorry sir but I can't lift your heavy bag into the overhead
locker. These are tits not muscles."

"Anyone caught smoking in the toilets will be asked to leave the plane
immediately."

Recently heard on a flight into London Gatwick." Welcome to London Gatwick
where the local time is 1973".

"Ladies & Gentlemen, for those of you on the left hand side of the aircraft,
if you look out off the windows to your left, you'll
get a wonderful view of
Windsor Castle. For those of you on the right hand side..if you look on your
left, you'll get a wonderful view of the people on the
left hand side of the aircraft
getting a wonderful view of Windsor Castle".

"Ladies & Gentlemen, we will be dimming the cabin lights for take-off to
enhance the beauty of your cabin crew".

"Ladies & Gentlemen, the entire crew hopes you go home and tell your friends
and family about us here at United Airlines because we
go home and tell
all of our friends and family about you."

"Ladies & Gentlemen, we have a special person on board our aircraft today. A
gentleman who is 93 years old and is making his first
airline flight, so as you
exit please congratulate our Captain".

"Ladies & Gentlemen, we would like to thank you for flying Valujet Flight
76. We hope you enjoyed your flight. If you did not, this
has been United Flight 375.
Thank you and have a good evening.

"Ladies & Gentlemen, we have everyone on board. If you would like to move
next to someone more attractive, you may do so at this
time".

Overheard by a guy giving rides: "Sorry about the rough landing, but I'm
practicing for a job at SAS. Next time I'll try to lose
your luggage."